The Lancer Fanfiction Archive

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Charlene

 

LaughingJohnny

 

Blue

An Episode Tag To Shadow of a Dead Man

Blue. There are many words to describe the various shades and colors that encompass the simple word blue -- azure, cerulean, lazuline, sapphire, glacial, and I could go on and on, and yet, I could never truly describe the blue of his eyes. Johnny Madrid ... no it’s Lancer ... has the most marvelous blue eyes. They are more than just color, there is energy, excitement, mischief, pain, grief, happiness, and love all radiating from those two blue orbs. Depending upon the day, the time, the lighting and his mood, his eyes can seem different. What never changes, however, is the intensity of those blue eyes and the fact that I could happily stare into them forever.
 
It's hard to describe how I feel. When I look into his eyes in those quite moments, I feel like I am happily drowning in the azure waters of Lake Tahoe. That is the type of drowning I never want to be saved from. Why did I let life interfere with my heart's deepest desires for so long? All I want, it seems all I have ever wanted if I were being honest with myself, is to be with Johnny. Ever since he cast his shadow over my gate.

When I look in Johnny’s eyes, I have to smile. To see the love he has for me. A look reserved only for me. I know I don’t deserve it. I almost lost him before he was ever mine. Why did I let things interfere with us? My fear, my insecurities. I am so thankful he kept chipping away at my defenses when I was pushing him away. He saw my fear, saw my need, and he wouldn’t let me make the mistakes I was heading for like a runaway horse.

I was scared of the man I knew was looking to kill me. Maybe though, I was scared of drowning in those blue orbs. When I first saw him, fear and longing and a terrible burning passion all swirled within me, my emotions as tumultuous as a thunderstorm. I had never felt so much so fast. It was dizzying and terrifying and I couldn’t think clearly.
 
Johnny Madrid taught me not be scared. To embrace my feelings, to embrace my life. Mr. Madrid ... it’s so hard to call him Lancer because that was my name, but it was really his, and later today it will be ours. Oh he showed me that I could live my life, not just exist. I hadn’t even realized that while I was walking around I was not alive. Then that day came, when he took me in his arms, I looked into those oh so blue eyes, and he met my mouth with his. Gentle and sweet and surprisingly full of heat.

Those eyes I could happily drown in. I shouldn't think of it as drowning though. It's not drowning, its swimming, floating on an indigo sea. Now, I can let my heart overflow with all those warm burning feelings. I am glad that I can, because those feelings cannot be held back, not any longer. The dam has broken, the waters of my feelings have flooded over my heart and my being never to be pushed back again. From now on, whenever I look into Johnny Lancer's blue eyes I will embrace those feelings, embrace him. I'll just let myself dive into those eyes of deepest blue today, tomorrow and for the rest of our lives.

 

~end~

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