The Lancer Fanfiction Archive

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FThe Facts Of Life

These four drabbles work best if read in order. They are The Meeting (100 words), The Facts of Life (500 words), Where do Babies Come From? (400 words), and Do You Want to Touch it? (300 words).

 

“Sir, I hardly think there’s any need to tell us about the birds and the bees.”

Johnny’s mouth curled up. “I want to hear.” He flopped onto the sofa, feet up, hands behind head.

Murdoch coughed, took a deep breath. “Uh, well, when a young man and a young woman fall in love, it’s only natural for them to have certain, um, urges.”

Johnny twisted his head to look at him. “Urges? Like what?”

Murdoch stared at him. “Well, uh, you’ve seen bulls with cows.”

“I thought you was telling us about birds and bees. I ain’t never seen a bird with a bee. Seen a bird on a bull. Seen a bull get stung by bees. You don’t want to be around when that happens.”

“The point is, birds, bees, cattle, and people are all part of God’s plan.”

Johnny started snickering. “He plan for all them bees to sting Scott the other day? Dang, Scott, you must have really pissed off God something fierce!”

Scott rubbed his rear and smirked.

“Johnny, pay attention! I was saying, the bee goes from flower to flower, stopping to stick his proboscis in each one.”

“Yeah?  Scott does that too.” Johnny grinned. “Only he don’t call it a proboscis, or whatever that word was. Think he calls it Scotty.” Scott kicked the sofa and shot Johnny a warning glare.

“When the bee does that,” Murdoch’s voice rose, “he fertilizes the flowers so they make more flowers next spring.”

Johnny nodded and looked studious. “So the birds can eat?”

“No, they’re no birds involved!”

“Then what they got to do with bees?”

Murdoch glared at him. “The birds are just another example. They lay eggs. So, say if a hen’s eggs are fertilized by a rooster, they hatch into chicks.”

Johnny wrinkled his nose. “Yeah, we use to fertilize stuff with chicken shit down in Mexico. That what the rooster does on the eggs?” 

“No! He, um, mates with the hen by placing his, um, his . . .”

“Proboscis?”

“Uh, yes, his proboscis, in the hen.”

“You ever seen a rooster’s proboscis, Scott?”

“No, can’t say that I have.”

“How you think it looks?”

“I don’t know. Maybe we should go find out.”

“Where you think it is?”

“This is not about the damn rooster’s dick!” Murdoch banged his fist on the desk.

Scott and Johnny both stared at him. “It’s not?” Johnny finally asked.

Murdoch took another deep breath. “When a man and a woman love each other, the man has certain urges.”

“Yeah, you said that. Like a bee.”

“Forget the damn bee!  Here’s all you need to know. Don’t go sticking your proboscis into any flowers until you’re married! Or else you might find yourself with a lot of chicks running around. Is that clear?”

“Uh, sure, Murdoch. Real clear. Thanks for the talk.”

Murdoch smiled and heaved a sigh of relief. “Good. Any questions?”

Johnny winked at Scott. “Yeah. Where do babies come from?”

 

~end~

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